How To Analyse And Solve Worry Problems

Dale carnegie
 
Will the magic formula of Willis H. Carrier, solve all
worry problems? No, of course not. Then what is the answer? The answer is that we
must equip ourselves to deal with different kinds of worries by learning the three basic
steps of problem analysis. The three steps are:

1. Get the facts. 
2. Analyse the facts. 
3. Arrive at a decision-and then act on that decision.

Obvious stuff? Yes, Aristotle taught it-and used it. And you and I must use it too if we
are going to solve the problems that are harassing us and turning our days and nights
into veritable hells.

Let's take the first rule: Get the facts. Why is it so important to get the facts? Because
unless we have the facts we can't possibly even attempt to solve our problem
intelligently. Without the facts, all we can do is stew around in confusion. My idea? No,
that was the idea of the late Herbert E. Hawkes, Dean of Columbia College, Columbia
University, for twenty-two years. He had helped two hundred thousand students solve
their worry problems; and he told me that "confusion is the chief cause of worry". He put
it this way-he said: "Half the worry in the world is caused by people trying to make
decisions before they have sufficient knowledge on which to base a decision. For
example," he said, "if I have a problem which has to be faced at three o'clock next
Tuesday, I refuse even to try to make a decision about it until next Tuesday arrives. In
the meantime, I concentrate  on getting all the facts that  bear on the problem. I don't
worry," he said, "I don't agonise over my  problem. I don't lose any sleep. I simply
concentrate on getting the facts. And by the time Tuesday rolls around, if I've got all the
facts, the problem usually solves itself!" 

I asked Dean Hawkes if this meant he had licked worry entirely. "Yes," he said, "I think I
can honestly say that my live is now almost  totally devoid of worry. I have found," he
went on, "that if a man will devote his time to securing facts in an impartial, objective
way, his worries usually evaporate in the light of knowledge."

Let me repeat that: "If a man  will devote his time to securing facts in an impartial,
objective way, his worries will usually evaporate in the light of knowledge."

But what do most of us do ? If we bother with facts at all- and Thomas Edison said in all
seriousness: "There is no expedient to which a man will not resort to avoid the labour of
thinking"-if we bother with facts at all, we hunt like bird dogs after the facts that bolster
up what we already think-and ignore all the others! We want only the facts that justify
our acts-the facts that fit in conveniently  with our wishful thinking and justify our
preconceived prejudices!

As Andre Maurois put it: "Everything that  is in agreement with  our personal desires
seems true. Everything that is not puts us into a rage."

Is it any wonder, then, that we find it so hard to get at the answers to our problems?
Wouldn't we have the same trouble trying to solve a second-grade arithmetic problem, if
we went ahead on the assumption  that two plus two equals five? Yet there are a lot of
people in this world who make life a hell for themselves and others by insisting that two
plus two equals five-or maybe five hundred!

What can we do about it? We have to keep our emotions out of our thinking; and, as
Dean Hawkes put it, we must secure the facts in "an impartial, objective" manner.

That is not an easy task when we are worried. When we are worried, our emotions are
riding high. But here are two ideas that I have found helpful when  trying to step aside
from my problems, in order to see the facts in a clear, objective manner.

1. When trying to get the facts, I pretend that I am collecting this information not for
myself, but for some other person. This helps me to take a cold, impartial view of the
evidence. This helps me eliminate my emotions.

2. While trying to collect the facts about the problem that is worrying me, I sometimes
pretend that I am a lawyer preparing to argue the other side of the issue. In other words,
I try to get all the facts against myself-all the facts that are damaging to my wishes, all
the facts I don't like to face.

Then I write down both my side of the case and the other side of the case-and I
generally find that the truth lies somewhere in between these two extremities.

Here is the point I am trying to make. Neither you nor I nor Einstein nor the Supreme
Court of the United States  is brilliant enough to reach an intelligent decision on any
problem without first getting the facts. Thomas Edison knew that. At the time of his
death, he had two thousand five hundred notebooks filled with facts about the problems
he was facing.

So Rule 1 for solving our problems is: Get the facts. Let's do what Dean Hawkes did:
let's not even attempt to solve our problems without first collecting all the facts in an
impartial manner.

However, getting all the facts in the world won't do us any good until we analyse them
and interpret them.

I have found from costly experience that it is much easier to analyse the facts after
writing them Sown. In fact, merely writing  the facts on a piece of paper and stating our
problem clearly goes a long way toward helping us to reach a sensible decision. As
Charles Kettering puts it: "A problem well stated is a problem half solved."

Let me show you all this as it works out in practice. Since the Chinese say one picture is
worth ten thousand words, suppose I show you a picture of how one man put exactly
what we are talking about into concrete action.

Let's take the case of Galen Litchfield-a man I have known for several years; one of the
most successful American business men in the Far East. Mr. Litchfield was in China in
1942, when the Japanese invaded Shanghai. And here is his story as he told it to me
while a guest in my home:

"Shortly after the Japs took Pearl Harbour," Galen Litchfield began, "they came
swarming into Shanghai. I was the manager of the Asia Life Insurance Company in
Shanghai. They sent us an 'army liquidator'-he was really an admiral- and gave me
orders to assist this man in liquidating our assets. I didn't have any choice in the matter.
I could co-operate-or else. And the 'or else' was certain death.

"I went through the motions of doing what  I was told, because I had no alternative. But
there was one block of securities, worth $750,000, which I left off the list I gave to the
admiral. I left that block of securities off the list because they belonged to our Hong
Kong organisation and had nothing to do with the Shanghai assets. All the same, I
feared I might be in hot water if the Japs found out what I  had done. And they soon
found out.

"I wasn't in the office when the discovery was made, but my head accountant was there.
He told me that the Jap admiral flew into a rage, and stamped and swore, and called me
a thief and a traitor! I had defied the Japanese Army! I knew what that meant. I would be
thrown into the Bridge house!

"The Bridge house 1 The torture chamber of the Japanese Gestapo! I had had personal
friends who had killed themselves rather than be taken to that prison. I had had other
27
friends who had died in that place after ten days of questioning and  torture. Now I was
slated for the Bridge house myself!

"What did I do? I heard the news on Sunday afternoon. I suppose I should have been
terrified. And I would have been terrified if I hadn't had a definite technique for solving
my problems. For years, whenever I was worried I had always gone to my typewriter
and written down two questions-and the answers to these questions:

"1. What am I worrying about?

"2. What can I do about it?

"I used to try to answer those questions without writing them down. But I stopped that
years ago. I found that writing down both the questions and  the answers clarifies my
thinking.

So, that Sunday afternoon, I went directly to my room at the Shanghai Y.M.C.A. and got
out my typewriter. I wrote: "I. What am I worrying about?

I am afraid I will be thrown into the Bridge house tomorrow morning.

"Then I typed out the second question:

"2. What can I do about it?

"I spent hours thinking out and writing down the four courses of action I could take-and
what the probable consequence of each action would be.

1. I can try to explain to the Japanese admiral. But he "no speak English". If I try to
explain to him through an interpreter, I may stir him up again. That might mean death,
for he is cruel, would rather dump me in the Bridge house than bother talking about it.

2. I can try to escape. Impossible. They keep track of me all the time. I have to check in
and out of my room at the Y.M.C.A. If I try to escape, I'll probably be captured and shot.

3. I can stay here in my  room and not go near the office again. If I do, the Japanese
admiral will be suspicion, will probably send soldiers to get me and throw me into the
Bridge-house without giving me a chance to say a word.

4. I can go down to the office as usual on Monday morning. If I do, there is a chance that
the Japanese admiral may be so busy that he will not think of what I did. Even if he does
think of it, he may have cooled off and may not bother me. If this happens, I am all right.
Even if he does bother me, I'll still have a chance to try to explain to him. So, going
down to the office as usual on Monday morning, and acting as if nothing had gone
wrong gives me two chances to escape the Bridge-house.

"As soon as I thought it all out and decided to accept the fourth plan-to go down to the
office as usual on Monday morning-I felt immensely relieved.

"When I entered the office the next morning, the Japanese admiral sat there with a
cigarette dangling from his mouth. He glared at me as he always did; and said nothing.
Six weeks later-thank God-he went back to Tokyo and my worries were ended.

"As I have already said, I probably saved my life by sitting down that Sunday afternoon
and writing out all the various steps I could take and then writing down the probable

consequences of each step and calmly coming to a decision. If I hadn't done that, I
might have floundered and hesitated and done the wrong thing on the spur of the
moment. If I hadn't thought out my problem and come to a decision, I would have been
frantic with worry all Sunday afternoon. I wouldn't have slept that night. I would have
gone down to the office Monday morning with a harassed and worried look; and that
alone might have aroused the suspicion of the Japanese admiral and spurred him to act.

"Experience has proved to me, time after time, the enormous value of arriving at a
decision. It is the failure to arrive at a fixed purpose, the inability to stop going round and
round in maddening circles, that drives men to nervous breakdowns and living hells. I
find that fifty per cent of my worries vanishes once I arrive at a clear, definite decision;
and another forty per cent usually vanishes once I start to carry out that decision.

"So I banish about ninety per cent of my worries by taking these four steps:

"1. Writing down precisely what I am worrying about. 
"2. Writing down what I can do about it. 
"3. Deciding what to do. 
"4. Starting immediately to carry out that decision."

Galen Litchfield is now the Far Eastern Director for Starr, Park and Freeman, Inc., III
John Street, New York, representing large insurance and financial interests.

In fact, as I said before, Galen Litchfield today  is one of the most important American
business men in Asia; and he confesses to me that he owes a large part of his success
to this method of analysing worry and meeting it head-on.

Why is his method so superb? Because it is efficient, concrete, and goes directly to the
heart of the problem. On top of all that, it is climaxed by the third and indispensable rule:
Do something about it. Unless we carry out our action, all our fact-finding and analysis is
whistling upwind-it's a sheer waste of energy.

William James said this: "When once a decision is reached and execution is the order of
the day, dismiss absolutely all responsibility and care about the outcome." In this case,
William James undoubtedly used the word "care" as a synonym for "anxiety".) He
meant-once you have made a careful decision based on facts, go into action. Don't stop
to reconsider. Don't begin to hesitate worry and retrace your steps. Don't lose yourself in
self-doubting which begets other doubts. Don't keep looking back over your shoulder.

I once asked Waite Phillips, one of Oklahoma's most prominent oil men, how he carried
out decisions. He replied: "I find that to keep thinking about our problems beyond a
certain point is bound to create confusion and worry. There comes a time when any
more investigation and thinking are harmful. There comes a time when we must decide
and act and never look back."

Why don't you employ Galen Litchfield's technique to one of your worries right now?

Here is question No. 1 -What am I worrying about? (Please pencil the answer to that
question in the space below.) 



Question No. 2 -What can I do about it? (Please write your answer to that question in
the space below.) 


Question No. 3 -Here is what I am going to do about it. 



Question No. 4 -When am I going to start doing it?    

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Unconditional Love, Do You Have It

The word love is used in many ways which have no real intent or meaning which causes the word to be diminished it's affect on us as a humans. Rather than saying hello, closing a conversation or departing people will use hi love or I love you. It has become almost a slang or common saying. It has been misused in music and movies for over 80 years.

What is this quality of life that we all want, but very few have in their life? Why is this so? Unconditional Love must given to us by our parents but most parents do not know what it is as it was not given to them. There are seven qualities to unconditional love; acceptance, recognition, validation, acknowledgment, approval, respect and trust. To operate from these qualities we have to act with kindness, caring and acceptance without judgment, control, acceptance without manipulation and authority.

If you talk to most people they think they have it. Yet, very few people know what true unconditional love is nor can they provide it to themselves or anyone else. The greatest power known to man is that of unconditional love. As humans, we have searched endlessly for the experience of love through the outer senses. Great nations have come and gone under the guise of love for their people. Religions have flourished and perished while claiming the true path to love. We, the people of this planet, may have missed the simplicity of unconditional love. . . So what is it we are missing?

Simply stated, unconditional love is an unlimited way of being. We are without any limit to our thoughts and feelings in life and can create any reality we choose to focus our attention upon that excites the very core of our being and lights our path with delight. Unconditional Love is a dynamic and powerful energy that lifts us through the most difficult times. It is available at any moment by turning our attention to it and using its wonderful potential to free us from our limitations. Why can't we use it? Why have we dropped to the depths of war and conflict? Why are there so many dysfunctional families and children? Why do people fail in their careers? People get sick to get the seven qualities of love, yet they do not know this. They blame it on outside sources yet we cause it all. If we had the seven qualities of love we would never have any illness or disease. It was proven out my family as we have not been sick for over forty years.

We have to go back to the root cause of why we lost our feeling and knowledge of what unconditional love is comprised of. The conflict for us is we knew what unconditional love was when we were born, but our mother did not know what it was. She had lost it when she was a child just as we did too. Most people will claim they had a good loving childhood. Is that a true statement? Highly unlikely since we tend to block and bury our negative experiences in the denial files in our mind. All we can remember is the positive experiences. Many people can not even remember anything from childhood. How honest are we going to be when we evaluate our childhood experiences? Many people are so traumatized by their childhood experiences they do not want to go back and look at them. They have blocked them out so well they do not exist. Some people will contrive up an illusion which they want to be as their childhood and that becomes their story. There are some people who are willing to be honest about what happened in childhood and are seeking help to remove the stigma of their childhood experiences.

We have to reclaim our personal power and take responsibility over our life before we can recover our lost self. The quickest way is to reparent ourselves and grow up again. We lost the qualities of unconditional love by the time we were four years old. We expected our mother to provide an effective parenting model for us to learn from, yet she was not able to do this. One would question this and assume it is an inherited quality. Yes, it was inherited alright, but a distorted dysfunctional parenting program was handed down. Unfortunately it does not work or we would not have so many dysfunctional children growing up without the qualities of unconditional love. How can we stop this vicious circle from continuing from generation to generation?

It begins with ourselves, for without self-love, we cannot know what true love can be. In loving ourselves, we allow the feeling to generate within us and then we can share it to everyone and everything around us! That which we send out, returns to us in greater measure. If you have not thought about how you feel towards yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally, or spiritually, begin the journey that changes everything. Begin the journey of unconditional love. How do we begin this journey when we were brought up in a dysfunctional family? 99 of the children were rejected after birth due to a dysfunctional parenting program. The conflict starts when the baby begins to ask for recognition and acceptance from mother. She does not know how to show this quality so the baby begins to act out to get the love, affection, recognition and acceptance.

Here is where the breakdown comes in. If you do not have the qualities to give you can not provide them no matter how intent you are in trying to do so. Children are very intuitive so they can sense how you feel about yourself. If the parent does not have a functional love program then the child will act as if you are withholding love from them. Unfortunately most parents operate from a control and authority position rather than from unconditional love program so they demand compliance with their behavior. The child assumes since they know what unconditional love is they assume mother know also. So the child questions why they can not get love, recognition and acceptance from mother. Their only feeling is that mother is not willing to give them love so they feel she is denying love, recognition and acceptance.

This is what causes the terrible twos as the child is getting angry and upset so they act out trying to get love, acceptance and recognition. Many parents will say they have been trying to provide affection and love. Take note of this: It is not what you do; it is how the child's perception of what you do that causes the conflict. You can do all the right actions, if the child does not feel they are receiving it you are getting through to them.

One of the most demonstrative afflictions which are caused by lack of love in childhood is Fibromyalgia yet most people who suffer from this dysfunction will not face the cause nor are they willing to even look at the cause. All you have to do is look at the social networking sites where these people write about their pain and suffering.. Lack of love is the root cause and core issue, yet do these people know it or even want to know it? From my experience posting on these networks the answer is no. Some their responses have been "who is this Snake oil doctor on our site or do you really believe your garbage". It is amazing to me people want to suffer.

Many people have suggested, taught and demonstrated what they think will change this basic dysfunctional pattern in our society. Has it worked? All you have to do is look at the situations we are facing in our culture today. In my estimation they are not working on the scale we need to change the direction of society today. What we need is a massive ReParenting Movement so people can grow up again and reclaim their personal power. Love is missing from most people lives so they operate from autopilot not knowing they are passing down from generation to generation this dysfunctional parenting program.

Forgiveness is a wonderful way to release the past but we have been able to do this without limitations. Unconditional love means unconditional freedom. Love and freedom are two of those words that are interchangeable. Freedom of choice is unconditional love, unconditional freedom. Choice is another of those words that are interchangeable with Love and freedom. For the most part humanity understands little of what the word unconditional means. Unconditional means… "NO CONDITIONS." This lack of understanding is what has divided man from man and religion from religion throughout his sojourn in the physical reality.

Source 

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Depression, a Dead Battery and my Shriveled Self-Esteem

There I was, on vacation, down at the lake with some high school classmates, watching the sunset and catching up on 30+ years of life. I was slugging down diet Mountain Dews while they drank Bud. Being 12 years sober, I was (and always am) the designated driver.

But after two Mountain Dews I could not drive. The 23-year-old Saab convertible I was driving would not start. Apparently, I left something on – probably the stereo. I stood silent on the dirt road as one classmate – now a prominent lawyer – and another classmate – a successful business owner – tried to jump the damn thing.

Seeing as how I was the only sober member of the Class of 77 trying to start the damn thing, I though about offering to RTFM (Read The Freakin’ Manual) and do it myself. However, I have spent enough time around men and beer to know when to shut up.

So, I shut up and shriveled up in the backseat. That masochistic loop that I have not heard in a long time, started playing in my head: “What a loser. How could you leave the stereo on? You have ruined the entire evening. These guys are really mad, they’re just pretending to be kind. You are such a loser. We’re going to have to leave this car here all night – with the top down – because of you.” Then I start apologizing and I sound even more pathetic.

Just like the old days – when that tape played everyday in my head – I wanted to go home, get into bed, pull the covers over my head and curl myself up in the tightest fetal position possible. I am 50+ years old and I felt like I was 10-years-old again.

“IT’S A DEAD BATTERY, CHRIS!  GET A FREAKIN’ GRIP!”

Another voice shouts in my head. Back and forth it goes until I decide to remedy the situation by getting up early, walking to the car, calling AAA, getting a jump and driving back before anyone wakes up.

This is how I still beat myself up. Despite all the therapy, meetings, medications, self-help books, awards and compliments – it only takes a dead battery to make my world go dark. In the old days, I would stay 10-years-old for days and convince myself that I was a loser and it was stuff like this that explained why the cool kids didn’t like me. Luckily, today I have the sense to shake it off : “IT’S ONLY A DEAD BATTERY, CHRIS!”

Besides, the nice AAA guy got laugh out of it: A 51-year-old woman in a dew drenched convertible with the top down, trying to start a 23-year-old SAAB with a screw driver (the ignition doesn’t work).

The car started right up and I drove off into the sunrise with the stereo blaring.

Source 

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A Happiness Tip From Aristotle

 

 

 

Quickie Question: If you could live 10 years of your life in total bliss - with NO pain - but in the end, not remember any of it - would you do it?

According to Aristotle - the answer should be NO. 

My favorite philosopher buddy Aristotle says true happiness comes from gaining insight and growing into your best possible self. Otherwise all you’re having is immediate gratification pleasure - which is fleeting and doesnt grow you as a person.

In a way the above scenario is a description of someone who does crack or drinks into oblivion. At the time it feels like you’re avoiding pain and seeking bliss - but in longterm you’re NOT really enjoying real life — with life’s inevitable ebbs and flows which give you needed insights and exciting experiences which grow you and let you know more about who you are and what you love and who you truly love!

Aristotle has a wonderful quote related to this topic:

“We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.”

Translation: I intuit what Aristotle was saying is that life has ebbs and flows. There’s no such thing as endless flow. Unfortunately life can sometimes feel like ebb, ebb, ebb, brief-flash-of-flow, more ebb, ebb, ebb. But every ebb always offers the opportunity to think a new thought flavor and feel a new emotion flavor. The more varied the flavors of life you get to taste, the more interesting, layered, educated, self-developed, world-experienced and mightier You will be!

In keeping with this theme, Aristotle believed the highest form of knowledge is insight - because it's the only knowledge which leads to growth - and evolving into your highest potential is what leads to true happiness.

For this reason, Aristotle believed that the reason why so many people are unhappy is that they keep foolishly confusing "pleasure" for "happiness." "Pleasure" is simply about immediate gratification -- of your body/ego. "Happiness" is about seeking longterm growth for yourself as a thriving individual - and is about nourishing your soul/core self.


Source 

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Quotes by Dale Carnegie

"You'll never achieve real success unless you like what you're doing."
Dale Carnegie

"Flaming enthusiasm backed by horse sense and persistence, is the quality that most frequently makes for success."
Dale Carnegie

"There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts:
what we do, how we look,
what we say, and how we say it."
Dale Carnegie

"The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way."
Dale Carnegie

"Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves."
Dale Carnegie

"When fate hands us a lemon, let's try to make lemonade."
Dale Carnegie

"If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive. If only the people who worry about their liabilities would think about the riches they do possess, they would stop worrying."
Dale Carnegie

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."
Dale Carnegie

"If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep."
Dale Carnegie
  
  

"The person who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore."
Dale Carnegie

"First ask yourself:
What is the worst that can happen?
Then prepare to accept it.
Then proceed to improve on the worst."
Dale Carnegie

"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are."
Dale Carnegie

"Would you sell both your eyes for a million dollars…or your two legs…or your hands…or your hearing? Add up what you do have, and you'll find you won't sell them for all the gold in the world. The best things in life are yours, if you can appreciate them."
Dale Carnegie

"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."
Dale Carnegie

"If you don't like their rules, whose would you use?"
Dale Carnegie

"You have it easily in your power to increase the sum total of this world's happiness now. How? By giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged. Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime."
Dale Carnegie

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."
Dale Carnegie

"If you believe in what you are doing, then let nothing hold you up in your work. Much of the best work of the world has been done against seeming impossibilities. The thing is to get the work done."
Dale Carnegie

"People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing."
Dale Carnegie

"Did you ever see an unhappy horse? Did you ever see bird that had the blues? One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses."
Dale Carnegie

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no help at all."
Dale Carnegie

"Do the thing you fear to do and keep on doing it... that is the quickest and surest way ever yet discovered to conquer fear."
Dale Carnegie

"Tell me what gives a man or woman their greatest pleasure and I'll tell you their philosophy of life."
Dale Carnegie

"I deal with the obvious. I present, reiterate and glorify the obvious -- because the obvious is what people need to be told."
Dale Carnegie

"If you want to win friends, make it a point to remember them. If you remember my name, you pay me a subtle compliment; you indicate that I have made an impression on you. Remember my name and you add to my feeling of importance."
Dale Carnegie

"All the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the past together again. So let's remember: Don't try to saw sawdust."
Dale Carnegie

"If you believe in what you are doing, then let nothing hold you up in your work. Much of the best work of the world has been done against seeming impossibilities. The thing is to get the work done."
Dale Carnegie

"Are you bored with life? Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all your heart, live for it, die for it, and you will find happines that you had thought could never be yours."
Dale Carnegie

"Pay less attention to what men say. Just watch what they do."
Dale Carnegie

"If we think happy thoughts, we will be happy. If we think miserable thoughts, we will be miserable."
Dale Carnegie

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and selfcontrol to be understanding and forgiving."
Dale Carnegie

"Remember happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think."
Dale Carnegie

"One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon-instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today."
Dale Carnegie

"The way to defeat fear: decide on a course of conduct and follow it. Keep so busy and work so hard that you forget about being afraid."
Dale Carnegie

"Many people think that if they were only in some other place, or had some other job, they would be happy. Well, that is doubtful. So get as much happiness out of what you are doing as you can and don't put off being happy until some future date."
Dale Carnegie

  

  
  

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Exploring Contemporary Psychology: Social Egocentrism

In understanding how relationships are formed and maintained, one important issue concerns the frictions that can develop in a relationship, including the frictions that emerge as part of day-to-day living: "Why don't you ever do the dishes — why is it always me?" "Why is it that I'm usually the one who takes out the garbage; why can't you do your fair share?" Or: "Why is it that I'm always the one who reaches out to end our disagreements? Don't you know the words, ‘I'm sorry'?"

These frictions can arise because sometimes responsibilities are inequitably distributed in a relationship, and this can, of course, be a source of stress. Other factors can also contribute to these frictions: Sometimes, people in a relationship have a view of who-does-what that's shaped by self-flattery or self-service. These forces can lead someone to inflate their estimates of how much they contribute to the maintenance of the household, or the relationship itself. This inflated sense of their own contribution then leads to a perceived imbalance, and, of course, to stresses in the relationship.

But another effect also contributes to these frictions: Thinking, they argued that people often judge frequency by trying to think of relevant cases, and gauging how easily these come to mind. Are more of your friends male or female? To find out, you might try to think of male friends and female friends. If a list of men comes quickly to mind, this is an indication that most of your friends are males; if a list of women comes to your thoughts more easily, this would suggest the opposite conclusion.

How does this apply to the frictions we have described? When you take out the garbage, you obviously are aware of this event; when your house mate takes out the garbage, you may not even be around. Likewise, when you reach out to end an argument, this is often a difficult step as you swallow your anger and struggle to submerge your own feelings for the good of the relationship. That sort of thing should be well-remembered, and will probably be better remembered than the occasions in which it's your partner who backs down (because in those cases, you do see their conciliatory gesture, but don't see the thought process that led up to it). For all these reasons, you'll end up with a better memory for your own actions than your housemate's. This will lead to a bias in the sorts of cases that come to mind when you think about taking out the garbage, or settling fights, and this in turn will produce a bias in assessed frequency. Because each of us is better able to remember our own actions, we are likely to overestimate the frequency of our own actions, relative to others.

Evidence for these claims comes from a study comparing the "egocentric bias" (claiming more than your share of the credit) for good deeds like taking out the garbage, and for bad deeds like provoking fights, or leaving the kitchen a mess. It turns out that degree of egocentric bias is the same for the good deeds and the bad (Ross & Siccoly, 1979). This is what we might expect on grounds of memory bias, but not what we'd expect if the bias comes out of vain self-flattery. (In that case, people would take too much credit for the good deeds, but too little credit for the bad!) Such evidence argues that memory availability does play a role in producing frictions, and reminds us that our account of social relationships must include the perceptions and memories that influence us as we participate in those relationships!

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What Psychology Majors Do Not Learn in School

It is just as important to understand what psychology majors don't learn in school as it is to understand what they do learn, whether you're interested in pursuing this educational path or considering seeing a psychologist. First, you must understand the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist. While they both focus on mental health, psychiatry majors typically head for a specialized medical school degree with training on dispensing medications and understanding mental health from a clinical point of view. Psychology majors have a very different type of schooling even though they have an interest in the human mind and may go into counseling careers just like psychiatry majors.
The most important part of what psychology majors don't learn in school is the skill and training for prescribing medications. Psychiatry majors usually end up getting a degree in medicine that makes them qualified to dispense medicines such as antidepressants. Psychology majors can go on to get a doctoral degree in clinical or counseling psychology, but this only qualifies them to help patients cope with medications that another doctor has already prescribed. Psychologists typically focus more on counseling the patient rather than medically treating them.
Psychology students don't learn how to medically diagnose, assess, treat and prevent mental illnesses, and they don't go to medical school or complete residencies like psychiatrists do, although they may have to complete PhD programs and internships. While there are some efforts to allow psychologists to prescribe medications after consulting with psychiatrists in some states, no legal changes have been put in place yet. A psychologist might recommend that a patient see a psychiatrist who can determine whether medication would be right for them, but they can't write prescriptions themselves under any circumstance.
So what psychology majors don't learn in school comes down to prescribing medications. What they do learn is theory about the brain and human development, and as their schooling progresses they can go into more specialized areas of counseling, research or both. Psychology majors are interested in the human brain just like psychiatry majors, but the similarities end there.


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